buhhhh

i slept my thursday night away. it's 6 am and i just woke up. i made some mean scrambled cheese eggs and toast. i think i'm a pretty good cook. i always make my dad lunches and breakfast and stuff. the reason i have decided not to further my cooking skilled career is because i know that these skills given to me were made specifically for the purpose of maybe one day having a husband i can't take care of and cook for. and being my future (AS IN YEARS FROM NOW) kid's favorite cook. when i was younger.. i asked my mom "mom, how do you learn how to cook things?" and she says "someone you love very much is very hungry". and i believe that. i don't know how it happens, or when it happens... but i feel like these sort of things in life fall into place if you just do your part and live.

moving on...

i find myself being more and more of a private person. i am shy about things i didn't used to be shy about. it's really weird, but i like it. i am old fashioned, and in that sense, i enjoy being Lady like. why would a guy want to get to know a girl he already knows everything about? being "lady like" is not just an expected culture... it's also a good way to be more intriguing. the more awkward, quiet, and forbidden about things i am... the more i seem to get questioned. lady likeness.. it's an appealing trait to acquire. i think the reason i was any different way before hand is because i had a pre-meditated idea of how men see women. or even how other women see women. being in relationships that make you feel like less of a person, less of a woman, have degraded my overall self image. and it has taken time... but I can build respect for myself again. If I could do things differently than i have in the past... I would. It's not easy when you surround yourself with people who judge you and gossip about you, who have never spoken to you before. I'm not as eager to please other people as I am myself. It just happens that what pleases me about myself is treating others with the same respect I think I deserve. I can live with myself because of my genuine cause.


I've been getting so angry about people lately. The power some people have over my emotions is weird. It makes me feel weak. And I know I'm not weak, because I've been through a lot in 20 years. I need to just put a guard up... but not in a offensive way.. but more an defensive way. People getting under my skin is something I LET them do. It's my brains, and my emotions... I have just as much power to not let them. Plus this is my life, what everyone else does has nothing to do with me or who I am. I just need to keep telling myself that. However, I do pity the way people choose to go about their lives. Treat other people. etc... but It's not my fault. I just need to stop being so empathic.

anyways... apparently daytona roadtrip is supposed to happen in a week. much needed. jill and alison... who i feel so lucky to have met. really genuinely good girls. aside from surfaced gossip and silliness... i can really tell these are the kind of girls i need to surround myself with. don't make me second guess myself or feel any less of a person around. anyone who can't see their genuine character is caught up in bullshit. get to see eddie & ben. i miss eddie more than i thought i would. it's weird not having him around.. even if it was hanging out with him every week. or seeing him every now and then. what a good dude. no emo.


welllll i think i'm going down to see jenn tonight. may go stay with her for a while. she's been a really good friend to me lately, and i've really needed that. i felt like i was losing grip of my friends, but she really grounds me and reminds me there still is someone who gets me, remembers my sense of humor, and appreciates me. and i don't have to apologize for who i am around her. i wish people could see the good and genuine character i see in people. some people just miss out.. cause again, they're caught up in bullshit. and thats why they're not worth my time. ego ruins people. and ego isn't real... it's a surfaced attribute. luckily i can look past it and forgive.

read this quote, and really really think about it. this isn't just to an applied situation. this is an attitude towards people in general:

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back the truth to people in it's own way and time."

also... like I have said before. Don't look down at a nice person. Being nice is no longer a sign of a pushover, brown noser, or ass kisser. It is a quality of patience and understanding. It is SO MUCH HARDER to be a sweet genuine person than a cold hearted person who judges others. don't judge, forgive... and treat everyone as equals, as you'd want to be treated.

"Weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong"

running so fast through life for 18 years I couldn't see these things. But it is such an important thing to try and be a nice person. If you want to better the world.. start with the people around you. your overall attitude. reminds me of a book when i read when i was little... "if everybody did". if everyone threw trash on the ground... we'd be living in a pile of trash. but it takes one person at a time picking up the trash to keep the grounds clear. if everyone was a jerk.... the whole world would be miserable. realize.. you can tolerate your surroundings by the people who chose to make a difference. and you could be one of those people. and this means in every social situation. don't base your attitude off of what OTHER PEOPLE do. be a good person despite all the bad.



just think about it.

anna