yesterday my make up job went over well. probably some of the best work i've done in a while. got paid 70 dollars for 2 full faces. not bad at all.
then i came home and received a phone call with really bad news. news that i can not go into... but it really scared the hell out of me and put a lot of things into perspective. i'm just glad my friend is alive and okay at this point.... but it really got under my skin. i called everyone trying to figure out what was going on. and right this minute, i don't even know what the deal is. I'm so worried. I really think this is a wake up call to me, and everyone around me. I feel as though a dark cloud has shadowed us right now. and if i prayed, i'd be praying right now. so all i can do is hope and trust everything is going to be okay. Really overwhelming and shocking. If there was anything I could do.. i would. I feel so helpless right now... not in a selfish manner... but you know, i wish i could tell if everything is going to be okay. my thoughts are with you, my friend. and even now i feel so surfaced and insincere writing in a stupid blog entry. but i really am just in shock, i don't know what to say or do.
in other news...
it just goes to prove my point about fake selfish friends whenever they boast and brag about stupid fuckin shit, rubbing it in my face. hope you looked so fucking cool with everyone you're "down" with. you're so cool cause everyone saw you, and if they didn't... now you got it posted for public enjoyment. OH MY GOD, so cool. glad your highlight of the weekend was going to see bands you don't even listen to and losing someone's trust and respect you USED to call your "best friend". ha. but i mean, like you said.. wouldn't want to make you feel guilty. but it's more than clear you're not guilty. you had so much fun, get drunk, don't worry about it! it's not real life. while you were having fun with all your awesome friends that care about you so much, i was sitting at home letting my brain eat me alive because i'm already so down, knowing people i used to care about are off CHILLIN AND JUZ BEIN GIRLZ TEHE... i'm sitting at home and thinking "even if you hadn't excluded me... would i ever really want to spend time with someone who would do that shit to me to begin with?"
i'm just getting that off my chest because no one reads this stupid shit anyways and it's really just beyond hurting me now. so i'm taking it out by being a bitch. planning had nothing to do with someone making a conscious decision to exclude me for reasons I really don't even want to worry my head about. i'm not gonna kick myself because of someone's insecurities.
things have been really hard for me, getting over my ex boyfriend. it's not so much me being a pitiful bitch that dwells around him... it's reasons he gives me to always want to come back to him... then treating me like a weirdo when i tell him i love him. acting like what we had was "no big deal". it makes me feel as if i'm delusional and wrong for feeling this way. it's like looking someone in the eye... and they wont look at you back in the eye. acknowledge the reality and take responsibility for their part. how they hurt you. when you lose someone like that in your life... it doesn't just go away. you don't just say "ok. i think today i'm going to stop thinking about him and stop loving him". you have to FORGET. and me being as cynical as I am... I know that forgetting is way different than moving on. moving on... is losing your emotions. forgetting... is putting something BEHIND you... not dissolving it. in fact don't think he's fuckin cool. i think i would get made fun of for being with him. and i've had my share of guys since him. so i don't fucking care what people think. i've even released the inevitable hostility between me and his new/ex girlfriend. it's been a little over a year since i wanted him to move out. now i realize that my love for him was true and unconditional. it wasn't a game, or wanting to have control of the situation. he hurt me worse than anyone has ever hurt me. in more ways than one. he wasn't even like my boyfriend.... i felt like he was my best friend. when i was mad at everyone, he always had this way of making me feel better. i still remember the way his back felt when i put my arms around him to hug him and the way his bed sheets would always smell. and talking about this sort of stuff doesn't really help me it would appear... but because I have looked past all the small emotional things and seen in the big picture... how much nerve he has to have to hurt me as bad as he did... i suddenly become disgusted... and blank. i am not even mad. i have just let go... because it should be human nature, even as a emotional woman... animal instinct... to want to protect yourself. and this i must do. at this point I can openly talk about him, what he did to me, and how he made me feel. I feel like i've been my own shrink. because no one could ever understand if i told them. shrinks tell you how to control your emotions and apply them in your every day life... and i on my own, have done just that. I have a guard up now that I refuse to take down. I only let people get under my skin so much. and perhaps that isn't as pure or sincere of me to do as a person... but it's self preservation. I have no choice. I will not be treated like that ever again. I can not go through that again. I could... because this whole emotional experience has made me tough.. but I wont. no other human should ever dictate my feelings like that in such a negative way. i never want to feel what he has made me feel again. because all the bad that came out of it, outweighed the good by a long shot.
on that note, I'm ready to move on. and I have. for the first time in like a year or so i have found someone i feel like could make me see life differently and take away my hostility. it's funny, because i met them the same day i was left crying by my ex in front of a lot of people at some bullshit. who would have guessed... seriously. life does work in mysterious ways. I'm not going to make myself too excited about it. But it's like... guy after guy... i find something wrong with. or he ends up just wanting a booty call. or he's "not my type". and so here i am... ready to predict what every guy is about. so cynical and over everything, and it hits me up side the head. if nothing more, perhaps this is a "hope" or distraction. whatever the case, it's making me excited and unsure... and i love that unfamiliar feeling. i don't want a boyfriend, and i haven't. i don't even really know what i want.. i just want something real. no more bullshit.
anyways, that's all i gotta say today.
gonna go hit up target i think. fav place to gather bullshit i don't need.
ttylzzzzz
anna
this video i think applies to a few things. plus alicia keys is awesome. sorry if i'm gay for thinking that. fuq
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