relationships/people

you know, it's so funny how most people perceive a person... in relevance to how they actually are. what gets me the most about it... I'm usually good at reading people. but these people are so good at it... I some how took my guard down to let them get as close as they ever got to me. closer than anyone else... i almost feel victimized. and it's not until a few months... maybe even years.. set in that you start seeing how ugly, cold, and selfish their personality is. how does someone with such a seemingly angelic, warn, sincere, humbled personality... turn out to be so fake. send out an image to draw people in... but they are nothing more than a misconception. so used to people saying "oh well.. they're nice to me". so yes, they're nice to you, but then you start actually hanging out with them.. and you see for yourself. i think i have let some of the most selfish and hurtful people get closer to me than anyone else I know. Now i look back and see that they'll do anything to get to the top, comfort themselves, be there for them... as a source of entertainment, funds, whatever... just feeding off you.... and leave you behind once they don't need you anymore. treat you as if that's acceptable.. like thats an okay to live life. I would have left people behind years ago if i was only in friendships and relationships for my own personal best interest.

I went off on this tangent because over the past few months I've kept on kicking myself for calling people "friends" that weren't really friends at all. for letting my guard down for people so they could take their insecurities out on me. but maybe, just maybe it's my fault. maybe it's not everyone else that's sucks... maybe i'm just way too soft on everyone. It's spring... time for new beginnings... and after this last month... seeing consistent attitudes and personality traits... i'm weeding out people that don't matter.

If someone is just interested in life, music, and social activities so they can gain something more out of it tht what it ACTUALLY is... like attention from people, social perceptions, elite status and whatever else... well, in about seventh grade i'd call that a "poser"... but it just goes to show people can grow up and be grown ass people.. and still be "posers". and obviously, i am so down right cynical... i have nothing in common with people like that. posting things on the internet to look cool. it's all about how things "look" for them. it's not about the actuality of life, the importance of relationships. and even when you try to have a conversation with them, even though you know them better than anyone else.. it makes me sick to think they sit there and think really hard about what they're saying to you. to put you down. maybe that's really attractive to the opposite sex. you know.. in the "bitch factor" category... but as far as a friend.. i don't fucking need that shit. if a guy likes me, he'll like me when i accidently do something sexy, or when i am goofing off. not because i pay attention to every word that comes out of my mouth, act completely different around him (not because i'm shy, but because i'm fake), and so on. i'm so sick of FAKE PEOPLE. and I'm sure as hell not gonna surround myself with people who act embarrassed of me or some shit. i'm embarrassed of people who care so much what OTHER PEOPLE THINK. IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET THAT THROUGH THEIR HEADS. ofcourse I care what people think to an extent.. I never want to be known as a "bitch" or a "slut" with no morals... if not for myself, atleast for my family. But i'm not gonna waste 50 percent of who I AM and who i COULD BE on building up this fake persona and advertising everything i do so everyone will think i'm appealing. you know, everyone sucks to some extent, not everyone is perfect. stop being so fucking afraid of what people might say... people are gonna come up with someone to say about you regardless... so you might as well live your fucking life without worrying so god damn much. therefore... being a fake person... THEREFORE.... MAKING YOUR OWN "BEST FRIENDS" not even like you. but it's clear to me life isn't even about "best friends" anymore these days. life is about who you're gonna see out at the bar, and what other people are gonna think when they see you with that person. like maybe you'll get more cool points or be considered an Atlanta socialite? WHO KNOWS HE POSSIBILITIES! I hope when I lay my head to rest... I can look back on life and focus on all the fulfilling friendships i withheld. not who saw me where, with who, when. it doesn't take a life changing experience to shine light on WHAT FUCKING MATTERS. I think it should be a fucking given that friendships, integrity, genuine love/trust matter more than anything. clothes, keeping up your image in "the scene", or whatever the fuck else.


that's the problem with my ex boyfriend too. he was so focused on what his friends might think about him.. he couldn't just live his life. and right now, he's in seattle so he'll look cool. because he had a "dream". isn't it conveniant that he had a dream about going to seattle after all his friends went to seattle and said it was cool. he starts carrying around stones around his neck and having meaningful dreams just around the same time his friends do. when it was cool to be an athiest, he was an atheist. what a fucking shame dude. there are so many times i could have spent more time with him, but he was afraid of bringing me around his friends. worried that they weren't gonna accept him because of me. he is a delusional son of a bitch that lives his life off of trends. he can't just live his life and be happy. to think i was putting so much time and effort into someone who wasn't worried about keeping me happy or loving me.... but making himself happy.. by feeling reassured by what OTHER PEOPLE thought. so much of who he was... was what he wanted to be and who he thought his friends wanted him to be. when he was so blind to see that i loved him when he was nobody but himself. and everyone sees him as this nice dude, always there to help his friends out, pleasing them with his personality, giving them things.... but the one person who loved him unconditionally he could give a fuck about. wouldn't care if he left me home crying. wouldn't care how much time and money i spent on him... just trying to make him feel happy and loved and comfortable... and you know what he did with that? he got TOO COMFORTABLE and took everything i ever fucking did for granted. and when i couldn't take it anymore... i left him. after that he could never just forgive me. he could never be okay with me again. infact, instead of hating me... he just forgot about me and made me feel like a horrible person for doing what i had to do to help myself. brought his new girlfriend around to shove in my face, acting as if it wasn't a big deal. convinced my parents i had cheated on him. turned everything on me, after all i fucking did. all the shit he put me through, and that's what i got from him..... all because he wasn't ok with himself. and i sit here EVERY FUCKING DAY.... going insane.. kicking myself... because all i ever wanted was to be ok with him, and he couldn't take his guard down for 2 fucking seconds. acting like a baby. and i hope i never see him again. because all he ever did to me was make me question myself in negative ways and kick me while i was down.

you can only mimic other peoples personalities and say what other people want to hear for so long. because after a while, they start trusting you. then human nature kicks in... and we as humans were given that "gut feeling"... and we can smell bullshit from a mile away. some of us are better than others. feel as though i've been tricked by the masters.

so i'm going to stop hanging out with people with severe personal issues. because they take them out on me. make me feel like shit. and that doesn't set well with my personal track record. instead of being two faced with them like everyone else, i can admit that they piss me off and hurt me and i don't genuinely enjoy how they act around other people.. because that makes up who they are just as much as "behind doors". and plus, I can handle the weight of the world on my fucking back. i'm fucking over it. i see so clearly... anyone who hurts me 9 times out of 10 has their own shit to deal with. and until they can sort through their brain and figure out what they want out of life, and who the fuck they are.. i'm not dealing with it. because honestly i have insecurity issues, but i don't shove them on other people. i know who i am enough to not treat other people like shit consistently. i don't need other people THAT DON'T MATTER to reassure me.

fuck it dude. fuck it.





I've lived my life inside daydream lies,
imaginary friends that always knew, knew, one day I'd leave, leave, for good.
I'll give away this girl who tried to make you fall in love, uh huh
I'll give her to, to, you so keep her close, close to you.
So you won't forget about how she loved you so long ago once upon a time.
Now she has grown, grown up, and you can't take, take it back

A lullaby won't change my mind, and I won't ever go back to that.
I will stay true, true to this belief that we've changed for the best through this.

Separate the ones who know you
from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.
And deep down I always knew all the times I thought that I loved you,
it was just an easy answer, It was make believe,
but I still believe that this heart, heart will learn to love.





anna