love in life

sometimes i feel like a complete weirdo for getting as excited about cleaning as i do. like is this normal? and making cute breakfast, lunch, and dinner meals. getting/making people gifts. like not even saying to sound appealing. it's kind of odd. feels weird to not be so selfish in the world that we live in.

girls night tonight. (not out at some bar, thnx) love time with my betches.

it's so funny how much time people invest into shit that doesn't matter instead of preserving relationships with sincere friends. i don't even want to wonder if people will figure out what really matters in the long run. it's really something you gotta find out on your own time. not just saying, but really knowing. when i am an old woman I want to think about the sincere people in my life. people are like leaches... they'll spend time with you to get as much as they can out of you, then when they don't need you, they'll move on. how can you even respect yourself making a conscious effort to maintain something with people like that? i want people to like me because of who i really am, not cause i look cool or i know anyone, or something. not to even go as far to imply i am cool, cause as far as my "reputation"... i could probably be the lamest dork wannabe ever. but that's exactly my point... would it even matter what a bunch of people who don't know me think to begin with? and thats where you start understanding who you are and life. and what's the point of life anyways if you don't know that even. not to get philosophical... but this shit does matter. to me atleast. i care about what's real... things that are real without physical evidence. emotions and relationships. they are really what bring life together. and honestly, i would assume 75 percent of people would not agree with this... but i feel like "love" sums up everything we're looking for in life. not romantic love... love in relationships, love in hobbies, love in ones self. what's the point of something if you don't sincerely care about it/ "love it". i feel like most females center everything they do around finding love in a romantic aspect. why would you care how you look when you go out or relate to people when you'll have friends regardless? it's because human nature is meant for us to want to love someone ultimately and reproduce. but i just feel like the whole cycle has been thrown off because people can't look past the bullshit for one second. when you judge someone... understand you are looking at them and questioning them because of your own insecurities. someone told me that once, and i felt like they just said it initially to sound witty or just saying something to make you understand judging people is wrong. but why is it wrong? why go out of your way to be so ignorant when you have a brain able... but not so willing.. to understand other people and forgive them for their insecurities and ways of projecting themselves. even if it's not wanting to fit it... we all want to fit in. but it's so hard to whenever we as humans compete AGAINST each other so much? if someone doesn't want to understand this, i forgive them and move on. i feel like i've grown so much in the last year. i've done a lot of stupid things, felt rejected in every aspect i could... ex boyfriend, new boyfriends, hooking up, wanting to fit in with social crowds, wanting to feel ok in my own skin, wanting to not feel the need for reassurance, losing friends i did everything i could to keep.... and it's just made me realize how much people are hurting. and for a second I thought I was just sensitive.... but i realize, i'm so sensitive because I think more about it and focus on their incentives. and it really just makes me sick. but instead of getting mad about it.. i can forgive and let go. SHOW people how to be instead of PREACHING it. understanding the full concept of "love" isn't such a hippie thing. and if it ever was, it's because hippies did so many drugs that made them sit around and think these sort of things. when really... it's within everyones capability of understanding and knowing if they just lose their fears and egos.

just think about it.

anna