what's luv???????

i stumbled across the most horrible shit of my life. hit me somewhere really fuckin harsh..... it wasn't bad things, it was all ridiculouslly happy things. and it reminded me of when i was genuinely happy. in a matter of a year ... everything is so wrong. where did i go wrong? if you're a nice person, people will fuck you in the head... don't let them do that to you in a romantic relationship SPECIFICALLY... because you wont heal. you'll base everything you know a relationship to be off of it and never be able to get excited about cute shit like that anymore. butterflies will turn into the idea of wanting to puke. so if you're happy in a relationship and you have found someone who can make you feel a way no one else in the world can make you feel..... don't get bored and fight over stupid shit. it'll fuck you up... you'll go half crazy... and then you'll turn into a party girl, and when the party is over, you'll hate everything. everyday. always. i'll never see the light of day again. love is without a doubt what happiness is to me... i just feel so distanced from ever coming close to that genuine feeling again. any guy that might be good for me, i've pushed away, indirectly. because i feel like i was psychologically raped. it's ruined for me dude. it's not fuckin fair.... but even so... i have accepted my consistent state.... i am just all around miserable. and that's life. and i guess this is the way life is supposed to feel? i feel like i automatically feel the second i talk to a dude... he's going to use me and hurt me... so instead of putting my guard up... i take it completely down. this is like a way of life now. i expect the worst. because that's all i've ever known. show someone genuine kindness, love, and admiration... and you know what they do? they walk all over you. and that is that. and i have come to terms with it. i am a very sensual sensitive person... but the one emotion i should have the right to feel as a girly daydreaming romantic girl... has been taken from me. i just don't want it. no more. the emotion that is supposed to be the happiest feeling in the world for someone.... i feel like i'm not even capable of feeling anymore. just fucked dude.



anna